Beating the Town Drunk

Beating the Town Drunk

It’s been said that no good tale started with “So I was having a salad.”  Alcohol often figures prominently in any hilarious story and so this one is in my back pocket when people are sharing their best ‘This one time, I was so drunk and…’ episodes. 

This evening was ages ago and, well, let’s just say I was a different person, in more ways than one.  But to be honest, I think this story holds up far better than “he” would have imagined. 

I realize it’s a cliché, with movies like “The Hangover,” but my story really does involve my best friend’s bachelor party.  The fact that I was also his “best man,” is important. I had flown in just for this event in my childhood best friend’s life and was prepared for all that that might entail. But also, the fact that we were in a little, forgettable town called Denton, Texas just added to the charm.

My friend, wanting something low-key, decided the “party” would just be your basic bar crawl, going from one dive to the next, with two of his other close friends.  Before going back to his house to smoke cigars, we ended up in one last place.  Almost as a soon as we sat down, up walked a woman who, had she said her name was Brünnhilde, I would have believed it; a huge woman, she just towered over us. She was clearly inebriated, and I shuddered to think how much it had taken to get her there. 

She fairly roared at us, "Whatthefuck r' ya'll doin' here?!" One of the guys in our party blabs, "It's his bachelor party!" She immediately starts laughing, "Get the fuck outta here! Well then stand up.  Yer havin’ a drink with me!"

A back and forth ensues where he says ‘no, can't do it, rehearsal tomorrow, can't get fucked up, yadda, yadda. yadda.’ 

She’s not hearing it.  Then his two other friends say they'll take the drink but, like a bulldog, she won’t let go of my friend.  She knows these guys.  She insults their manhood and says only he will do.

That’s when I finally stand up and say, "Fuck it - I'm his best man. I'll take the hit!" She decides that’s good enough and orders two pints.  The beers arrive and now, somehow 'having a drink' has become a ‘drinking race.’  She barks out, "Someone give us a 3 count!"

On three, I go all in.  Magically, the back of my throat opens up and down it goes. I finish within seconds and slam my glass down so hard I’m actually surprised it doesn’t break.

I watch as she finishes hers, eyeballing me over the rim of her glass.  Being a true lady, she shakes my hand and announces to everyone the obvious, “Ya got me!” She gives Jason a final congrats.  But, before walking away, she leans in really close and says "That was pretty good….But no man has EVER beaten me...." 

And with that, I turn to everyone and say, "Time to go!" 

It's not until we’re outside and these guys start HOWLING!  I’m laughing, agreeing it was a pretty good time.  But then they stop, look me square in the face and say, "You don’t understand! You just beat THE town drunk.  In A DRINKING CONTEST!!!" 

My friend slaps me on the back and says, “Yeah, you won the battle. But I think she’s still going to win the war.” 

The next morning, after getting up too early so that we could get to the rehearsal, I had to agree, “Yeah…she won.” 

I would love to find her someday. It would be my privilege and honor to tell her, “You know what. You were right. No man HAS ever beaten you.”

Thumbnail Creative Commons Photo Credit: Bonnie Craven Francis